The Life of Jeff: DC Comics biggest failure

This is a showrt story which was was created by a serious of Text Messages sent between me and a good friend of mine. Jeff is a made up character of our imagination. DC Comics we love you.


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Meet Jeff, Jeff works at DC Comics in New York. One day Jeff went to a board meeting involving other comic books writers.

The boss starts the meeting by mentioning we need a new hero. “Listen guys, we’ve got some awesome heroes. We’ve got Batman who can win any fight”

Jeff raises his hand

“What’s that Jeff?”

Jeff lowers his hand and raises his voice like a 5-year-old child “Can he fight underwater?” The boss looks at Jeff with a look of confusion. “No Jeff, he can’t. Moving on. We also have Superman who has laser eyes”. Jeff once again raises his hand

“Yes Jeff?”

Jeff lowers his hand once again. “Does he have a big golden fork?

The boss sighs. “No Jeff. It’s a stupid weapon. And finally we have Green Latern who helps aliens save the galaxy. The boss notices that Jeff has once again raised his hand. He sighs noticeably. “What is it this time Jeff?”

“Does he talk to fish?”

“Goddamit Jeff.”

The boss calls the meeting to an end and everyone recedes back to there desks and cubicles. All but one, Jeff. He wanders past all his fellow writers and contributors. As he does so he hears the mutters and low laughs. He knows he’s being mocked but he is determined that he is on to something special. He walks into the big office without knocking.

“Hello uncle” he states as he enters the room. A man sitting behind the desk raises his hand to his head as he knows what is coming. As he does this his assistant who was in the room leaves but not before muttering something as she goes.

“Hello Jeff. How many times do I need to tell you that we’re only slightly related?”

Turns out Jeff is The main boss at DC Comics nephew’s cousins uncles grandchild 3rd cousin twice removed.

“Blood is thicker then water remember”

The gentlemen sighs and hand jesters towards an empty chair opposite the desk. “What can I do for you today?”

Jeff sits in the chair in the way a child who is being told off in the principal’s room sits.  “Well, I have this amazing idea for a new character and I need your permission to make the character happen. I promise he won’t disappoint and he’ll be more popular then Superman, Batman and Green Lantern combined”

The man, eager to get rid of Jeff tells him “if you think it’s a good hero, why don’t you go back to your cubicle and draw me a sketch with dialogue and I’ll consider it”

The man stands up from behind his desk and leads Jeff to the door in a professional manner but really he’s saying ‘get the hell out of my office’

Jeff sketches out the first page of the comic and shows it to his ‘uncle’. His uncle in a desperate attempt to keep Jeff away from him gives the comic a green light.  Just like that Aquaman was born.

A few years later, Aquaman hasn’t received the praise that Jeff believes it should. Now Jeff sits in a cubicle surrounded by Aquaman comics. He is also in charge of maintaining the office fish tank and refilling the water cooler. He is also not allowed to use normal cutlery when eating his lunch. The staff rallied around and got him a golden fork to eat with which he must eat with everyday. This is all punishment for unleashing the worlds worst comic book hero on the world.

When the next major boardroom meeting came around, Jeff attended as usual and this time the discussion was about The Man of Steel, Superman. Jeff was bouncing up and down in his chair because he had a brilliant idea on how to improve what were good classic comics. He suggested that Kryptonite should come in a array of different colours. As Jeff’s ‘uncle’ was in the room, the motion was passed and that’s why Superman has many different colours of kryptonite. Jeff is also the reason why Green Arrow has a boxing glove arrow and Wonder Women’s invisible jet. He reckoned it would save time in drawing because you can’t draw nothing.

A few years after this and Jeff is still employed even though no-one knows how. DC have started to make big movies and one of the new movies they are planning is the Green Lantern movie. The script looks good and the cast looks amazing. However, before the shooting begins Jeff wanted to take a look at the script and change a few things. This causes tension between the star Ryan Reynolds and the director but both are eager for the film to be made so they try their best and work on the film with Jeff’s changes.

When the film is released it bombs at the box office and the critics hate it. It was almost enough to be the end of Ryan Reynolds film career. Luckily for him, he bounced back and swore never again to work with the director or Jeff.

“Can’t we give Jeff to Marvel, I know he’s family but seriously” One of the bosses mentioned during a meeting with Jeff’s uncle. “we did; did you not see Daredevil? Poor Ben Affleck. A whole career nearly in pieces” Jeff’s uncle states. “we’ll just try and keep him busy and away from the movies in the future.

Skip forward a few years and and Jeff is still doing the same thing. Writing the Aquaman Comics and taking care of the office fish and water needs. The year is 2015. Marvel comics are ruling the movie game and DC have decided to battle them with a few movies this year which promise to be massive hit. Marvel have already announced that they are finally making a Deadpool movie staring Ryan Reynolds. They also have a new x-men movie coming out as well as a new Captain America. They year 2016 looks like it’s going to be ruled by Marvel but DC have a few movies in the works.

One day someone is walking past Jeff’s cubicle muttering. They stop to turn and look at Jeff. He looks confused as no-one has acknowledged him in a few years. “Jeff I need your help. We have a massive blockbuster planned for the year 2016 and it involves Batman fighting Superman.”

“Batman vs Superman?” Jeff retorts.

“No Jeff. Go home” the unknown man walks away and Jeff continues going unnoticed.

A board meeting is called as the creators of the new Batman/Superman film need a brainstorming session involving everyone. Jeff enters the room and takes a seat. Not at the front but in the middle so he still can be heard.

“Right people” a man at the front of the hall starts “Marvel have a few good movies coming out and we need ideas. Everyone knows the story and the title is going to be called Batman vs Superman”. Jeff looks pleased as his name was chosen. “We need some ideas to bring the story out a bit more so the floor is open” the man at the front continues. A few people suggest a few things but they are quickly dismissed. Jeff stands up and says “Why don’t we have a few cameos in this film. Like Wonder women” a few pleasing murmurs come from the rest of Jeff’s co-workers. “Jeff that’s not a bad idea” the man at the front states. Jeff looks pleased and continues on “We can have Flash and Cyborg and Aquaman cameo as well. This can all lead up to the Justice League movie”. A few low laughs come from the audience and everyone looks at Jeff. Jeff knows he went to far with the cameos but stands his ground. “Jeff I like the idea of Wonder Women but won’t having more cameos make the film longer. Besides we already made it longer by including the court scenes for Superman. We also took your suggestion of making Ben Affleck Batman” a small voice can be heard in the distance “it wasn’t enough that he wanted to ruin Affleck with Daredevil”. Jeff looks around trying to find the voice but is drawn back to the front when the man speaks “Look Jeff. We know your trying but just stick to what you know okay?”. Jeff nods and takes his seat.

A few months’ later production begins and all of Jeff’s suggestions have been taken on as no-one else could come up with anything better. Jeff is delighted that finally the hero he created will have some on screen time. When the test run is shown he is more excited then he was before and is proud to see his creation on the screen. The bosses however do not seem to pleased but there is not time for reshoots as the planned release is a few weeks after Marvel’s Deadpool and they hype around both films has built so the bosses know it will bring money no matter the quality.

When the movie is released, it is met by mixed reviews from both the audience and critics. This is not pleasing to the boss but Jeff is excited as it means that his hero is finally being seen for what it is. People are already discussing ideas for spin off movies for all the cameos and the Wonder Women movie has been confirmed. Jeff’s mind is going crazy thinking that an Aquaman movie could be made. He’s already thinking of ideas. He also has an impact on the new suicide squad. So much so that reshoots need to happen and Jeff has had his say on these reshoots. But Jeff is so excited that a Aquaman film could be made.

In his head he’s envisioning a way that his hero could enter the screen on top of a whale and declare a war on the bird people and when he’s done surf back on the back of a turtle. He’s also envisioning how he could make him throw sharks and piranhas at the bad guys and they could run away and he could follow them sideways on crabs because that’s how the cool fish guys roll.

“come back evil doer!” Aquaman would shout

“It’s you who’s moving I’m just standing here with the clam you threw stuck to my ear”.

Then all the other heroes would come in a save him because he’s gotten to far out and is slowly dying of dehydration. Jeff exclaims in his cubicle “it would be called Aquaman 2: Escape from Utah” around him there are few giggles and Jeff sits back down and goes back to the drawing board.

Next he imagines Aquaman taking a Hangover style trip to Las Vegas but he would spend all his time in the fountain going up in the sky every time the sprinklers did there 30 min display. “How about Oceans 14: Get out Aquaman out of the fountain” He thought. He added it to his list.

To this very day Jeff is sitting in his cubicle thinking about how he could make his every so boring character better. The future waits to see where Jeff can go and what he can ruin next.

 

 

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